Hogwarts Horror Show
by MarandaWrites
Summary: FULL TITLE INSIDE AND FULL DETAILS Hermione and the others figure something terribly obvious out when the war begins They could use the time turner to prevent it from even happening! However, the time turner begins acting funny... humorstupidity. STRONG T
1. Moonlight Make Out

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the HP movies, books, etc. I own nothing from the WB or any movies this story might reflect. This is simply a humorfic for entertainment purposes only.

A/N: Plot bunnies for Easter... (smile) Rocky Horror Fans will appreciate this...or hate it. Either way, I love it. Besides, this is a_ pointless _thing to make people laugh. So..there. (by the way my summary is horrible)

RATED M FOR A REASON PEOPLE

Summary-if this is considered a decent one: Hermione and the others figure something terribly obvious out when the war begins; They could use the time turner to prevent it from even happening! However, the time turner somehow gets stepped on, and starts acting funny. This causes chaotic journeys and insane visits to a distorted past. Can Hermione and the others figure a way to fix the time turner to return to the present before all hope is lost?

...Maybe they will, maybe they won't.

Join Hermione, Ron, Harry, Ginny, Fred, George, Neville, Seamus, (-eh. You get the idea.) in a jaw-dropping, side-splitting adventure.

(Tiny spoilers from older books. Like who died in the fourth and fifth book. Not the one that we just had.)

**Msmadhatter's Disturbingly Nonsensical Fanfics Present:**

**The Hogwarts Horror Twilight Zoning Dancing Pirate Picture Show**

_Chapter One: Moonlight Make-out _

_"She's staring at him again." _

Hermione peered through the bushes at a tall male figure. His pale complexion radiated under the full moon's light.

"Severus seems distracted. His mind must be racing with something we'd all die to know." Hermione was intrigued.

Ron laughed under his breath, "Like he hasn't showered in days?"

"Ronald!" Scolded Hermione, "I need silence. How can I do this if you are joking about it? I'm going in."

Harry added softly, "Be careful. He doesn't know _you_ are the one who is meeting him."

"I know. I'm surprised McGonagal even allowed this to happen. If she hadn't told Snape to meet him now for _important war business,_ we wouldn't get away with this."

"Go. Before he leaves."

Standing up wasn't a problem and neither was walking. But walking towards a man Hermione secretly loved_ was _a problem, which made her job discomforting. She watched with want as he ran his long fingers through his hair. She couldn't tell if he was anxious. The thought of the indifferent man having a caring layer underneath it all was a bit exciting. His back was turned to her as she drew nearer with heavy breaths leaking from her lungs. She tried to be silent, but her own nerves sparked a bit. Finally, she was inches from him. He smelled delicious.

"Sir," The voice of a young woman startled Snape.

He turned on his heel and took in a sharp breath. "Ms. Granger, I would advise you to tell me immediately why you are outside _past_ cerfew. Just because you have been head girl the past couple of years, right up to this-your last, it does not mean you can wander about wherever and whenever you like!"

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

"I need something, and I can't ask anyone else. It's important that you understand and cooperate." Hermione wasn't usually so forward with her professors. However, the reality with being near Snape after school hours was titilating to say the least.

Snape scowled, "You need something. But you couldn't wait until tomorrow after class or another suitable time? Are you dense? You must be to think I would help such a rediculous, pompous school girl."

"I'm not pompous. Maybe I am rediculous, but you won't think so after this request. Just hear me out." She smirked kindly.

As if Snape's cold heart melted, he gave in with a nod. "What do you want?"

"You know what I want." Hermione tried to calmly release her emotions. "I want you to let me touch you. The war is almost near. We are all going to fight. I want to remember you as ... as a man. Let me show you love. Let me feel your warmth."

There were no words. Snape was dumbfounded.

Hermione added with a cute wink, "I know you want to be inside of me."

"Ms. Granger, I can't believe..."

"Believe it, Sev." A moment passed before she said, "I'm yearning for you to make me scream."

That was the icing on the cake. Severus was overcome with emotions and quickly wrapped his arms around Hermione. He pressed his lips hard on hers, hoping to please them and crush them simutaneously. His member woke up, rising to the special occasion.

Nearby were two best friends with gaping expressions. They were ready to leave, but had to wait for Hermione's lead.

Ron quietly joked to Harry, "Should we be taking notes?"

Severus pinned Hermione into a tree and felt her up. He was surprised how silky her skin was under his rugged touch. Making her gasp caused him to feel even more aroused. To cause a beautiful and smart woman to flinch under his hold was more than enough love for one lifetime. He enveloped her body with his robes and undid the buttons on her pants. Hermione bit her lip. She let him explore, but knew it was too much. She was letting her fantasy get in the way of reality.

"Sir," Hermione pleaded, "I can't take anymore. I want to be in your bed with you. The forest isn't comfortable for me."

Taking a good look around, Snape didn't think so either. He let Hermione button her pants back up and started to walk towards the castle.

"Come," He said, "and I will let you in my sheets. Let's entangle them."

Harry and Ron both sniggered at Snape's sudden suave attitude. They glanced at Hermione, who almost followed Snape, but ran to the bushes where her pals eagerly waited. Snape noticed a lonely feeling and looked behind him. He started to call out Hermione's name with concern.

"Ok... I can't do anymore. Let's go!" Hermione pulled on a chain that was around her neck. The Time Turner emerged from under her shirt. She waited for Ron and Harry to place their hands on her shoulder for her to spin the wheel once.

Ron laughed. Harry laughed. Hermione blushed.

"I'm so glad you learned how to turn back time more efficiently." Harry smirked as the threesome reappeared in their Gryffindor Common Room.

For months, Hermione had been studying the Time-Turners effects and abilities. After awhile, she found out how to erase everything that's happened after the time she went back to. In other words . . . She never convinced McGonagal to let her meet Snape in the woods for an 'against-Voldemort war conversation'; And she never lived through those lustful moments in the forest. No, in fact, the three were two nights previous. But the Time-erase ability could only be used on half-moon and full-moon nights.

"Well, I think I finished my dare." Hermione grinned with malice.

Harry blurted, "I guess so. This extreme truth or dare is really fun. My turn?"

"Hey," An idea popped into Hermione's head. "Why don't we go back to when the Dark Lord first emerged? We could prevent him from harming Harry while possessing Quirrel. Maybe Harry would have enough strength to finish him off there if we leave him a clue or something. Do you think it would work?"

"If we try and fail, would it effect the future?" Ron had a good point. As usual, no one listened to him.

Harry asked Hermione, "If it works, what kind of reaction will it have? I mean, will things that happened be erased if there is no Voldemort?"

"Maybe. In fact, if we do it correctly...We may bring back the dead who have suffered the years afterwards. But it would also mean you wouldn't have been in the Triwizard Tournament. You can accept that, right?" The obviousness of this question's answer meant Harry didn't have to reply. Hermione took the silence as a yes.

"So, we doin' it?" Ron questioned again.

Hermione nodded and said, "Yes, we are going to attempt the most significant . . ." after these words, the boys grew tired of listening. They wanted to go already. So, their male ears heard, " blah, blah, blah, blah, dangerous, blah, blah, bring wands, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dungeons and Dragons, blah, Voldemort, blah . . . Boobs and butts."

Of course, that was nothing near what Hermione actually said.

But who cared at this point? The adventure of a lifetime was so near, and only babbling mouths stalled it.

"Yep." Harry forced a smile on his face.

Ron grinned like an idiot, "Ok."

Hermione furrowed her brows, "You guys really want to?"

Harry sideglanced at Ron, "Uhh...yeah why not?"

"It's a great idea."

"Ok," Hermione stood up, "Then I'll go get Snape."

The boys shouted, "_What?_"

"You said it was a good idea to invite him along." Of course Hermione was kidding. She knew all along the boys weren't listening to her.

As the boys argued and mumbled, Hermione took hold of her Time-Turner. She took it off and adjusted the chain to fit her more snugly.

"We'll go in the morning. As for Snape, he won't be. I didn't invite him. Try listening to me once in awhile. It might benefit you in the long run." Hermione got up to return to her private room.

When she was out of sight, Harry sighed. He said, "Women, you just can't please them."

"Yes you can," Ron raised his eyebrows, "Give into everything they say and be their slave. It's a little emberassing at first, but domination can actually be pretty fun."

"_You dunce,_" Harry shook his head, "I meant emotionally. And what the hell is with you? Domination?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Yeah. It's kind of hot. But if the girl whips you too hard, it might leave a mark."

"Dude," The topic apparently disgusted Harry, "shut up. I'm going to bed."

Harry stood up and left Ron all by his lonesome.

"Guess I should hit the hay too."

A painting of an old man on the wall spoke, "Sonny, did anyone ever tell you that you really don't make a difference in this world? Seriously, try something stupid tomorrow. It won't even matter."

"Why would you say that?" Ron was hurt.

"Because," The painting snarled, "you're annoying the hell out of me right now by being in this room. That, and you're a horrible waste of a character. Just go to bed and dream of Hagrid again."

"Wha?" Ron had the last straw. He stood up in defeat and left for bed. At least his pillow was nice enough to stay soft for him.


	2. Done and Gone and Broketh the Turner

Standard Disclaimer goes here.

A/N: Yeah...I'm doing this because I want to be random. I know it's poorly plotted in some spots, but that's the point. So..there. and i know there iz baad grammar in sum spotz but its not ma fault. hehehe. (Just kidding.) ok I know the first chap was kind of stupid, but I promise it'll be better. If not, I'll just delete it. but please no flames. At least I can admit this sux in a funny way. And I know it's not my best writing Drabbles on...who cares? This is just for fun.

_Chapter 2: Shorty's Done and Gone Breaketh The Turner _

_Shorty, can ya dig it. Can ya handle the dance with it? Shorty, can ya rock it? Can ya stop to pop and lock it?_

Ron's taste in music was annoying according to Harry, Hermione, and every other Gryffindor. It wasn't just rap, it was bad rap. The kind of rap that is sung just to be sung, whether the words make sense or not. His dancing wasn't great either. Harry would swear Ron would someday put cornrows in his hair. The image of this was disturbing.

_Shorty, can ya dig it? Short-ay can ya hurt it? Shorty, won't you dig it? Short-ay! Sh-sh-Short-ay!_

With Ron's music on, Hermione became distracted. They were all in the common room, trying to prepare for their journey. Ron was doing ths on purpose of course, trying to see if anyone cared that he was acting foolish. The painting had struck a nerve the previous night. So far, everyone was annoyed. This proved that they _did_ notice Ron, and this made him feel happy enough to dance.

"You dance like an imbocile, Ronald. Why don't you stop and help Harry and I plan for this?" Hermione knew Ron hated helping, but this was important to her. He could at least pretend to care.

Ron walked to the stereo and put the music louder. The vibrations shook the floor like a mini-earthquake. Harry grunted and Ron just danced continuously.

"Uhh . . . Good morning?" Neville emerged into the common room. He asked, "Is Ron having a ciezure?"

"No," Harry laughed, "He's practicing new fighting skills for Voldemort."

"Dance moves like that _would_ kill." Admitted Hermione.

The three had a good chuckle before Ron caught on. He finally shut the music off and sneered. When he sat next to Harry, everyone fell silent. Neville was curious as to what they were all huddling together for, but he knew better than to engage in anymore adventures.

"I'm off to breakfast." Neville declared. "Have fun getting into trouble."

With a limited time to plan, it would be hard to make the idea work one-hundred percent. Hermione explained that to erase the future's negative force-Voldemort, they would have to time travel back to nights of the full or half moon. As no one remembered when the half moons were, they decided Halloween night would be perfect. The night that Quirrell announced to the Great Hall that there was a troll in the dungeon.

"What if Quirrell sees us?" Harry questioned.

A moment passed before Hermione replied, "Think about it. If Voldemort sees us grown up, it won't effect anyone or anything because we are defeating him anyways. If he were to escape, however, and we are spotted by him, he will either go insane or spend time trying to figure it out. If so, we will have more time to accomplish what we want. Either way we have a very great chance of succeeding."

"Bloody hell," Ron stated, "That's complicated. Imagine Voldy-Moldy going crazy. Do you think he would commit himself?"

"Why do you always say _bloody hell?_ Who cares if he commits himself. Hermione just said we have a very great chance of winning." Harry shook his head.

In the middle of the floor sat the Time Turner. Its chain had been fixed so all three of the friends could hold onto it. Hermione nodded, ready to initiate their journey. Harry held one part of the chain and looked at Ron.

"I'm ready, I guess. Got my wand." Even though Ron was nervous, he took another part of the chain into his hand.

Being last, Hermione did her duties of checking that no one was watching. She held onto her part of the chain with one hand, and began to turn the time-travel mechanism with the other.

Instantly, the three of them felt their eyes shut tight. A powerful wind spun around them, almost knocking them out of place. Time literally stopped.

"Open your eyes guys." Hermione smiled as the two boys realized they were still in the common room.

"We're still in the same place!" Ron shouted.

Hermione hushed him and said, "Well, yeah. We didn't teleport, dip-head."

"She means _dipshit."_ Harry joked.

"Ok, now be quiet. We have to get to the Great Hall. I allowed us ten minutes before Quirrell entered. We have to hurry." Hermione knew what she was talking about. She had studied the possible outcomes and situations over and over again.

"Um," Harry pointed to the Time-Turner, "Why's the chain all wet?"

Indeed, the chain was moist. Hermione picked it up and studied it. Ron blushed.

"It's sweat. Great. Ron, I thought you could control your sweaty palms." A tiny bit of anger boiled in Mione's veins.

He answered sheepishly, "Yeah, I can. Just not all the time. This was one case where I couldn't help it. I was nervous as all bloody hell."

"Uh-huh." Harry heard enough of Ron's whining. "And again you say that damned phrase. It's really gross when you leak all over. You should start wearing deoderant on your hands."

"Well, the sweat shouldn't have damaged anything. Ron, you're lucky this time. Now, can we go?" Hermione's impatience wore thin like the hair on Filch. She pocketed the chain, careful not to drop it.

They stood up and rushed out of the common room, careful not to be seen by any ghosts. They made their way down the Grand Staircase and onto the first floor hallway. The Great Hall doors stood unopened. Quirrell was facing the doors and apparently talking to himself. The threesome knew he was actually talking to Voldemort. It was time to interfere.

"Wait, what's the plan?" Ron had obviously not payed any attention to details earlier.

Harry sighed in disgust. "You dunce! We're going to bop Quirrell on the head and drag him out to the back for target practice. Then, we're going to strip him of his clothes. We'll need the tar and feather though so-"

"He _means_," Mione cut in, "We're going to follow Quirrell and wait for Harry's younger self to appear so we can help him destroy Voldy right then and there instead of wasting so many years getting into trouble. Who knows, you might be able to study more after this and pass your OWL's and NEWT's."

"Yipee," Ron cheered sarcastically. "I'd rather take my chances keeping everything the way it is. I can handle a war. Why not, right? What's the worst that can happen anyways? We already know most people are on Dumbledore's side. Even Snapee-poo."

Hermione and Harry side-glanced at Ron as if he missed something dreadfully important.

"Umm . . . Let's just go do this." Harry nudged Hermione.

The three of them slowly approached Quirrell, who looked different from what they remembered. Quirrel didn't even look behind him. He walked right into the Great Hall and began running.

"Troll!" Quirrell shouted bloody murder, "Troll in the dungeon!" He glanced around the hall.

Students were silent at first. But then came the tidal wave of panic. Hermione, Harry, and Ron entered the hall and hid behind a podium as students ran around and shouted. Dumbledore stood up from behind the Head Table and demanded everyone shut their ugly mouths.

"**Quiet!**"

The old man went on with a tiny splurge of words. No one was really interested. They were too anxious, curious, and scared shitless to care what the Headmaster said.

Dumbledore could sense this, and began drabbling. "I am not going to say it again! Do not panic! . . . I am so tired of you little shits right now. Panicking over a freaking troll when you could all just attack him as a giant mob. I bet it's not even a troll. I bet Quirrell just made it up so we couldn't see him trying to take the Sorcerer's Stone. You know, this Halloween is the worst yet. But I bet next year will be even shittier. I'm going to have to hire another damned Defense teacher. Might as well make Snape Defense teacher considering my horrible judge of character. But who am I to talk about characters?"

"Huh?" Hermione noticed Albus' ramblings. "Something's not right. He never said those things."

Ron laughed, "We must've not worked that turner right." He began to feel nrevous again.

Harry shook his head, "Hermione, you're right. Something's messed up."

"I'm wondering if maybe we just never noticed him talking like that. I mean, no one _was_ paying attention." Reaching in her pocket, Hermione fished out the Time Turner. She studied its parts and grunted. "Ron, you broke it! Your damned sweat blew a fuse."

"How can you blow a fuse of a magical thing that's not even electronic?" Ron asked a sensible question.

And he was ignored as usual.

"You there!" Quirrell ran over to the threesome.

They gasped. Being seen was not on their to-do list. Especially when Ron's gross, sweaty hands broke the turner.

"We are deep." Harry mumbled.

Hermione added, "I can already smell the stench."

Ron felt it necessary to say, "Deep shit. We have arrived in the land of _bloody hell._"


	3. Magical Wand Warpedliness

A/N: Yay...time to pick it up. lol like it's even a good story. I'm gonna go on and on about how this is only FOR FUN, so please don't flame this thing. It's one of those things where you have to write it or plot bunnies will never leave your side...they might start multiplying, and something else like this story isn't a good idea lol. (Even though I have an idea for a better, funnier one.) By the way, this is just a slice of the cake that I might serve as a full fanfic. Damn straight. (even though everyone uses it lol)

__

Chapter Three: Magical Wand Warpedliness

"This makes no sense." Said Hermione. "He doesn't recognize us. It's like we're different people."

"We all look like ourselves though." Ron stated smartly, though it wasn't really that smart.

Harry mumbled, "Actually, Ron, you've turned into a spider."

Ron quiverred.

Quirrell stood with a grin on his face. "Welcome to Hogwarts. Please move over so the big troll can come in and wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Dumbledore doesn't know it's a set up to make his party even more entertaining. You can join us if you wish."

Hermione nodded, "We'd love to join you. Our broomsticks broke down and we have nowhere to go. Until our owl gets some help for us, we can stay."

"Grand! Now," Quirrell's smile faded, "get out of the way."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed Quirrell to the front of the Great Hall. Professors were situated very calmly in their seats. Albus was clueless as to why there wasn't much commotion.

"I'm satisfied with everyone's self-control, but this is rediculous." Dumbledore sighed.

Suddenly, and with over-dramatic slow-motion effects, the Great Hall's doors opened to reveal the very large, very ugly troll. He stompled through the entrance and swung his arms every which way.

"Why is everything in slow motion?" Ron asked stupidly.

Harry said, "I'm pretty sure it's just a side-effect from you breaking the turner."

"Pfft." Ron mocked, "It's just a side-effect to how fugly my scar is."

Hermione scolded, "Boys...Let's not kill each other. Not in the past, anyways. That would cause too much trouble."

"Haappppy Hallllloweeeeen!!" The troll bellowed into the hall. Everyone cheered and clapped for such a wonderfully nightmarish surprise. (Even though it made no sense why a troll would wish everyone a good holiday.)

Albus stood up and clenched his heart, "Quirell! You silly ass! You pulled a trick on ol' Albus. Well done."

Quirrell bowed, "I couldn't have done it without Voldemort's evil soul possessing me. Thank you, thank you."

Harry and Hermione sideglanced at each other again in shock. Ron picked his nose.

Instantly, the troll began to sing and dance while magical background music was heard.

****

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I have to charge.

"You may leave now, Milton." Quirrell called to the troll, "It's all over now."

The troll stopped singing and the music haulted. He groaned, "I want candy. Trick or treat."

"No, you have to go."

"Fine," The troll turned around to exit the hall. "But I'm not going until I get a peek in the girl's bathroom on the second floor. I hear Moaning Myrtle is a real scream."

Albus ignored the troll and cleared his throat. When he got the respect and attention needed, he spoke clearly and happily. "As it is Halloween, I'm willing to let you in on a little secret this year. Now, you all know about Sevannah Snape, but she has a real treat for you tonight."

"Who the hell is Sevannah Snape?" Ron furrowed his brows.

"I don't know, Ron," said Hermione, "Just listen."

"...and so, we will pass the time until Sevannah comes out. Let's party!" Albus threw his hat off and pulled McGonagal out of her seat.

Her hair was down, spilling over her shoulders. McGonagal looked twenty years younger in a slimming black dress. Dumbledore took his robes off to reveal a shimmering gold muscle shirt and matching pants. As professors got out of their seats, they took off their robes to reveal a variety of vibrant colored clothes and daring ensembles. Even Filch, who had Mrs. Norris dressed in a tutu, was wearing silver suspenders and a tight blue shirt.

Students were suddenly dressed in similar clothing, but more risque. Boys wore tight fitting clothing and fishnet stockings. Girls had corsettes on with either mini-skirts or short shorts. Their makeup was glossy and seductive. Guys even had eyeliner to some extent.

Hermione gasped, "What in Merlin's Spellbook just happened? They're all skanky and skimpy and scary and-"

"Sexy." Ron blurted.

"Silky." Harry said.

"Sensuous." Ron backfired.

"Sinful." Harry added.

Ron laughed. "Sado-masichistic."

"Excuse me!" Hermione snapped the men back to the real world. "Look at yourselves!"

Harry noticed his attire. A white t-shirt that was practically see-through sat on his upper body. As for the bottoms, nothing but plaid boxers were on.

"You whore!" Ron yelled playfully at Mione.

She had on a white bra and a white skirt slip. Nothing more, nothing less. Her bare feet felt cold against the marble floor. She checked her pockets to make sure the Time-Turner was still with her, and was happy to feel its chain.

As for Ron, he had a black mesh shirt on. His pink glitter pants stood out more than the fat lady's horrid voice.

"Alright, let's not comment on each other. There are more important things to deal with right now." Even though Hermione was scantily clad, she still kept a smart head on her shoulders.

"Yeah," Ron commented, "Like why we aren't in here right now. Where are our younger selves?"

"I'm not sure, Ronald." Said the puzzled know-it-all. "Maybe its another effect from the broken Time-Turner. You _did_ mess it up quite a bit. I mean, no _real_ man should ever sweat that bad."

The three of them were completely distracted when the Professors began to sing. (Hermione, Ron, and Harry just watch in confusion.)

**Filch:** It's Amazing. Time is fleeting. Magic takes its toll. But listen closely-

**Trelawney:** As the power gets stronger.

**Filch:** I've got to catch that troll. _I remember, _doing the Wand Warp, (kick kick) casting black magic again. The Dark Lord would hit me,

**Trelawney and Filch:** Death Eaters would call him-

**Students and Faculty:** _Let's do the Wand Warp again! Let's do the Wand Warp Again!_

**Flitwick:** It's just a swish and a flick!

**Students and Faculty:** And then a zap to the right!

**Flitwick: **Just a curse is the trick

**Students and Faculty:** It'll blow 'em out of sight. And it's Albus we trust, who will keep us all sane!

Let's do the Wand Warp again! Let's do the Wand Warp again!

**Trelawney:** Life's so dreamy. Oh spirits please free me! Let us all forsee, the future of all. In another dimension, with Voldemort-istic intension, let us view him, with my crystal ball.

**Filch: **With another tight wand grip

**Trelawney:** We're ready for any slip.

**Filch:** And we know, this won't be any game.

**Trelawney:** It's a psychic sensation

**Filch:** It deserves celebration!

**Students and Faculty:** _Let's do the Wand Warp again! Let's do the Wand Warp Again!_

**Ginny Weasley:** Well I was sittin in the pub, butterbeer for a drink. When a Snape of a guy gave me an evil wink. He showed me his arm with the Death Eater's sign, he had a story of bad luck from the darker side. He sneered at me and seemed so deranged, but time did prove that he had changed.

**Students and Faculty:** _Let's do the Wand Warp again! Let's do the Wand Warp Again!_

**Flitwick:** It's just a swish and a flick!

**Students and Faculty:** And then a zap to the right!

**Flitwick:** Just a curse is the trick.

**Students and Faculty: **It'll blow 'em out of sight. And it's Albus we trust, who will keep us all sane!_Let's do the Wand Warp _again_! Let's do the Wand Warp again!_

It'll blow 'em out of sight. And it's Albus we trust, who will keep us all sane! 

The song ends

"What," Ron was the only one to find his voice. "What... What the shit was that!?"

"The Wand Warp." Answered Harry with a smirk on his face.

Hermione finally spoke, "At least the song is done. And the odd dancing."

**Random Narrator Jumps in:** Yes, the song was done. But . . . was it really? Join our next chapter to find the answers to many questions. Like: Who is Sevannah Snape? Is Dumbledore a hippie? And . . . Will my milkshake really bring all the boys to the yard? We shall see. We . . . shall . . .


	4. Groovy Men In Fishnet Stockings

**Disclaimer: **The usual. I own nothing but your souls. I mean...my horrible plot.

**A/N: **insert caring, kind words here

Oh! First review! YAY! Thank you for the review, Williams. I know this is twisted, (and believe me I'm trying to make it have some sense to it) but hopefully it will become funnier. I have the whole thing planned out and it will be pretty long. (Chapter-quanity-wise. I know the actual length of the chaps aren't that long.) Anyways, thanks for reading! (after the end of songs I'm just going to put ----- from now on.)

Am I spelling Quirrell wrong? Is it one r?? idk.

Oh, did I forget to mention there are cameos in this? hehe.

_Chapter Four: Groovy Men in Fishnet Stockings _

**Random Narrator: **We left off in the Great Hall. Hermione, Ron, and Harry were contemplating as angsty teens did.

"I'm not angsty," Harry said.

Hermione glanced at him, "What are you talking about?"

"I heard someone say we were angsty."

Ron jumped into the conversation. "I heard it too. I think we have a narrator now."

"Narrator? Dammit, Ron! What else will go wrong because of your waterfall palms?" Hermione said like an angsty teen.

**"Attention everyone!"** Dumbledore boomed. "Now that our groove is on, our blood is flowing, and our excitement is at a peak, it is time to bring out Sevannah Snape. She has many surprises for us tonight, so please show your gratitude. Without any further adue, _Snape!_"

"First of all, Albus," A silky, familiar voice spoke from behind a wall, "I'm not a woman. You don't have to refer to me as a 'she.' And my name is not Sevannah. That's the nickname Ginny gave me when I was talking about tonight's surprises. She thought it was cute. So, I can introduce myself, if you don't mind..."

"Go right ahead, Snape. The floor is yours." Dumbledore sat down and smirked.

As some background music was heard, Severus Snape walked in front of the Head table. He was wearing a black corsette, black garter belt, black fishnet stockings, and leather underwear. Hermione nearly fainted in disgust and pleasure.

**Snape starts singing: **How do you do? I see you've met my faithful headmaster. He's just a little caught up because he really wants to kill that Voldy bastard. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a spell by it's caster. I'm one hell of a man, by the light of day. And by night you can call me the 'master.'

_I'm just a sweet transvestite_. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

Let me bewitch and bind your eager minds. You all look like you're ready for me. But if you want something magical, that's not too practical, I can show you why they call Albus 'groovy.'

**Harry: **This is extremely wrong. Will we be here for long? We should be worried about Voldy.

**Hermione (Too hypnotized by Snape's appearance.): **Goodnight.

**Harry: **We'll just find a new turner, should have thought of this sooner. We'll survive now if we hurry.

**Snape: **So you're best wand broke. Well, that's no joke. Oh students, don't you panic. By the light of night, it'll be alright. I'll get you a magic mechanic.

_I'm just a sweet transvestite_. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

As it's All Hallow's Eve, I'll give you a peek of my new favorite obsession. I've been changing a boy, from a weakling with blonde hair and a tan, to a man who's good for relieving my ... tension.

_I'm just a sweet transvestite_. From the ensaring potions dungeon. (Hit hit!)

_I'm just a sweet transvestite_. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

So, come down to my lab, and see what's on the slab. You'll all feel a magical sensation. But maybe the troll wasn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause . . . but not the symptom!

--------

"Ok, what's with all the singing?" Ron scowled. "And what's with Snape in drag? And why-"

"Ron, shut up." Harry felt like screaming, but supressed it. (Just like angsty, emo boys tend to do.)

Hermione smiled and said, "You know, Snape doesn't look too bad like that. It's kinky."

"Can we leave now?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Oh," she woke from her trance, "yeah. I'm not sure if the effects of the Time-Turner are going to drag on into where we end up next. So . . . Keep a level head on and play along if we end up somewhere crazy. We obviously can't defeat Quirrell here. Everything's too out in the open. Let's go."

"_Oh, Draco!_" Yelled Snape in joy. "In just seven minutes, I can make you a man!"

Draco stood next to his Potions Master wearing nothing but a golden pair of underwear. He seemed lost. "Ugh."

"Yep. When we see Draco in golden underwear, it's time to go." Voiced Ron jokingly.

The trio cautiously walked their way out of the Great Hall. Hermione pulled out the Time Turner.

"Let's not get nervous now." Said Harry with a clever grin on his face.

They each took a hold of the chain as Hermione spun it forwards once. Instantly, they were enveloped by a fog of black. The sensation was familiar and not hard to cope with. They all felt a little dizzy at first, but were soon able to see straight again. They landed softly onto the floor of the same hallway. None of them knew exactly where they were in time, only that it was daylight.

"Oh no, it really is messed up. We're supposed to arrive at night time. I guess we can't pinpoint as I planned. Oh well, it'll do." Hermione wasn't discouraged, despite the problems.

**Random Narrator: **They land in the hallway confused. Harry begins to think of a new plan. He asks Hermione why she doesn't just get a new Time-Turner.

"Why don't you just get a new Time-Turner?" Harry asked, feeling slight _de-ja-vu._

"Where will I find one in this distorted Hogwarts, Harry? Even if I find one now, it will screw everything up even more. What if it's the one Dumbledore gives to me in our third year? And if I take the one from me, I'll never have had it. So if we do defeat Voldemort, it would have never happened because the Time-Turner will disappear and create a time paradox, killing us all!" Hermione became flustered and breathed in deep to try and calm herself.

Ron patted her on the back and said, "It'll be ok. We'll get out of here."

"Now," She continued softly, "we will find out where in time we are and go from there. If we can slowly bump ourselves into the future, _present for us,_ we might be able to fix the turner."

"I'm in," Harry said triumphantly.

"Bloody hell." Ron laughed, "I guess I'm in too."

"Good, now let's go."

"Where?" Asked Ron.

They ignored him and headed towards Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Maybe they could prevent the younger Harry from taking Tom Riddle's Diary. And if they could destroy it themselves, then all would be solved and saved. Hurrah!

"Alright," Hermione explained, "I'll peek in to make sure no one's in there and then we'll go in. Hopefully Harry hasn't already found the diary."

"But even if we prevent Harry from taking it, we're still too late to help Ginny." Ron was right.

Hermione argued, "Ginny wouldn't matter to Voldy if he couldn't drag Harry into it. Remember, that's why he lured Harry into the diary in the first place. It was all a ploy to get him into the Chamber of Secrets. So, Ron, your ugly mouth is wrong again."

"Harsh." Blurted Harry, hiding a laugh.

Not caring if Ron had a reply, Hermione went into the girls' lavatory. The coast was clear. Ron and Harry followed her inside.

"Everything seems pretty normal." Harry observed.

"Yeah," Said Hermione, "but we haven't seen anyone yet. Of course the environments are going to stay fine."

"You guys always speak too soon." Ron pointed to an open stall.

There floated Moaning Myrtle, head drooped slightly. She was wearing a long dress and her hair was down.

**Myrtle (sings to herself): **Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow.

"So she's wearing a dress? That's not very disturbing. Let's find that diary." Without any notice, Hermione searched all the stalls, and found nothing. "Dammit! What're we to do now?"

"First," Ron suggested, "we should get out of this bathroom. I hate that song."

Before they could even move, Bill Pullman rushed into the bathroom with a concerned look on his face. He rushed over to Myrtle.

Bill caught his breath and declared, "Princess! I've come to save you with my courageous bravery and power of the Swartz."

**Random Narrator (to Bill): **Bill, you're in the wrong movie again. I think you're looking for stage three-hundred-eighty-two. That's no princess. That's a depressed ghost.

"Oh, sorry. Carry on." Bill glanced around before exiting the bathroom.

Hermione let out a long sigh and nagged, "Oh, come on!"

The three of them ventured out of the bathroom and towards the grand Staircase.

"Why are we going upstairs?" Asked Harry.

"To stop you from using that journal." It seemed that Hermione always knew what to do, even if it wasn't right.

Ron felt like picking a fight, but decided against it. Instead, he said, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"What?" Harry turned to face his pal.

"Nothing." Ron mumbled and continued to put up with his growing hatred for scar-boy.


	5. I've Got the Golden Snitch

Standard disclaimer goes here.

A/N: I'm having a chocolate sugar rush right now, and so will you! SPOILER BTW.-kind of (I think you all read them by now lol.)

_Chapter Four: I've Got The Golden Snitch!_

"Alright, so the Grand Staircase has transformed itself into an enormous mountain of candy and chocolate. What's the big problem?" Hermione suppressed another sigh. "We have to climb it and see what mess everyone's in this time. Maybe we still have a chance."

Ron drooled, "Chocolate rivers! I'm in Draco's worst nightmare!"

"Draco?" Harry wondered.

"You didn't know?" Ron let out one loud laugh and said, "Draco's anorexic. He wouldn't go near this stuff with a fifty-foot broomstick."

"Real nice, Ron. What does that have to do with us saving the world? Nothing. So, let's just go, alright?" Hermione's patience wore thin.

**Random Narrator: **Everyone knew to not speak when Hermione became angry. After her first encounter punching Draco, she let a secret aggressive part of her loose. Whenever really angered to the point of no return, she would rabbit punch anyone who was nearby.

Harry and Ron laughed, obviously hearing their narrator.

"What?" Asked an irritated Braniac.

"Nothing." The boys chimed.

They slowly climbed the mountain, careful not to knock gummy worms from the licorice trees they grew on. Many different candies sprouted from the mountain like the sweetest scented flowers in the world. Being on such a mound of candy tempted the threesome to stop and take a bite, but they kept their minds on the task at hand. They neared the top, ready for just about anything.

"Dumbledore!" Ron said, eyeballing the headmaster.

The top of the mountain wasn't a mountain at all, but a large room with couches, a roaring fire, and a broomstick lying on the wooden floor. A younger version of Harry was standing to Dumbledore, who was dressed in a white nightgown, maroon robe, and holding the golden snitch.

Dumbledore grins form ear to ear. He boards the broomstick and hovers. And of course, music begins.

**Dumbledore: **Look at me! Look at me! Up on a broom. I haven't done this in five-hundred years.

**Younger Harry: **Headmaster!

**Dumbledore sings: **I never thought my life could be, filled with such catastrophe. And suddenly I begin to see, it's all because of Harry. But I've got the golden snitch. I've got so many reasons to want to die.

_The threesome raise their eyebrows._

**Dumbledore: **I gave Harry the chance to shine, which I am regretting. He can get away with any crime, what a depressing thing! But I've got the golden snitch.

**Hermione: **He's lost it, Harry!

**Dumbledore: **I've got a million reasons for me to die! I never thought I'd see the day, when Harry would be here to say, _Death Eaters, I am the one! _I never thought that I would be, such an open target for Voldy, Cause of Harry-

**Younger Harry: **It isn't my fault

**Dumbledore:** But it is your fault!

**Ron: **Loony . . .

**Dumbledore:** I never thought that I would drape, my aging legs over this broom, but it's the only way I can escape, my fate of utter doom!

**Younger Harry: **Cause you've got the golden snitch.

**Dumbledore, flying higher into the air: **I've got a golden chance to fly away. And with a golden snitch and broom I'll save my life today!

----

"At this point in time," Hermione said, "Why does this not suprise me?"

Dumbledore flew out of the room and down the mountain. Younger Harry left the room too, out of a back door. The threesome entered the room and glanced around, almost sure they were losing their minds. When all was quiet, they grouped together to talk.

But their peace was disturbed by a tall man in a top hat bursting through the back door.

"Someone stole fizzy-lifting drinks!" The top-hat man shouted, "Who was it? My candy factory has been infected with germs of children's hands. Was it one of you three?"

"No, Sir." Harry spoke clearly. "No one here has done anything to a candy factory."

Hermione shook her head in disbelief. Now she knew who this man was from a movie she once watched with her parents.

"Mr. Wonka," Hermione said, "I think you're a little lost. This isn't your factory. This is a school."

Willy Wonka searched the room with his eyes. He sighed. "I guess you're right. I am a little lost. Time to go, then."

**Random Narrator: **I'm sorry, Ron and Harry, these people just keep appearing. I can't help it. At least Hermione's not angry right now, or you would both be eating something other than chocolate, _if you know what I mean._

"I'm getting used to this narrator," Ron chuckled and added, "He's definitely on our side."

Harry laughed. "Yeah, he's adding some humor to our journey."

As Hermione turned to face the boys once more, she scowled as they laughed harder.

"She's getting angry," Joked Ron, "better stop laughing now."

"C'mon," She said, ignoring the two, "We'd better try another time."

They gathered together and held onto the golden chain of the time-turner. Instantly, the felt sensations all around them, pulling them through to the next year.

"Where are we now?" Asked Ron, gazing at their environment.

They were on the third floor, right next to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. All seemed pretty normal; Paintings were hung on the walls of the hallway and students who passed by wore their normal school robes. Hermione was the first to walk forwards, predicting the floor would gobble her up soon. Ron followed, expecting someone to shoot him in the head. Last was Harry, who simply enjoyed the normal settings while it lasted.

"Oh!" Hermione stopped dead in her tracks. "We're on the third floor. It's second year, right? So our younger selves are probably talking to Gilderoy, ready to drag him into the girl's lavatory."

"Right." Harry said, "So we should wait out here until we leave the Defense classroom."

Ron nodded before following the others to the side of the classroom. They waited for a while, shuffling their feet and twiddling their thumbs to pass time. The windows showed night time approaching, which meant it was almost time. They hoped more than anything that this time around would actually work.

**Random Narrator: **Hi boys. I was bored so I thought I'd see how you were. Oh, right. -Ahem- The boys stood, shuffling their feet and thinking about finally defeating Voldemort. Harry wondered how the future would be effected if he had killed him when he had the chance, instead of wimping out or having everyone else help him wimp out. Ron, on the other hand, imagined kissing Hermione, because he obviously fell madly in love with her in just one year. He was curious of what color underwear she wore, or if she wore any at all.

"I thought the narrator was on our side." Said Ron, a fire red color forming on his cheeks.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know what's up with him. I'm ignoring it now. There's a chance to win here, so I'm not letting that thing bother me."

"Wait," Hermione asked, "You can still hear your narrator?"

Ron and Harry nodded.

"That means things are still messed up. I guess we need to be careful if the change in this time frame isn't obvious."

"Whatever," Ron blurted, "as long as I never have to see Snape in drag again, I'm fine."

Harry laughed. "Don't talk about stuff like that. You might jinx us. I don't want to see it either, but you have to keep quiet."

"Both of you keep quiet," Hermione ordered, "I hear something."

The Defense Against the Dark Arts door opened slowly. Gilderoy Lockhart emerged from the room, gleaming and glowing brighter than ever before. Younger Hermione exited the room next, her whole face blushing and glowing.

"Dear God," Ron whispered, "Tell me it's not what I think it is."

A moment later, Harry and Ron's younger selves came out of the room with the same ecstatic look on their faces.

Gilderoy spoke quietly, "Don't tell Dumbledore I gave you those drugs. The effect should be gone within an hour. Now," He straightened his back. "what were you three going to show me?"

"Oh, follow us and we'll show you." Young Hermione said flirtatiously.

"Well," Ron mumbled, "our younger selves are high. It's better than what I expected when I saw Hermione glowing that much."

Hermione glared at Ron and slapped his face hard. The sting lasted for a few minutes.


	6. Marvolo's Underground

Dsiclaimer: I do not own Time Splitters or HP ((Or half a line from 300)) . . .Or Will Smith

A/N: Hey, I hope you guys get the video game references in here. Time Splitters. Oh, by the way, this is set before the war even started. I am in no way, shape, or form messing with book six or seven. And yes, this is a shortfic.

_Chapter 6: Marvolo's Underground_

The venture to the bathroom was amusing, as the younger threesome were high, Gilderoy was giddier than a child on Christmas, and yet everything else seemed normal. Hermione, Ron, and Harry were thankful they had a break from the singing and dancing portion of the journey. Unfortunately, the time-turner was still broken, and no one had any idea how to fix it. Generally, things were running pretty rocky, but threw nothing the group couldn't handle.

"Alright," Hermione advised, "we stay out of the bathroom for a few minutes so they don't see us. Then, we go in and destroy Tom's diary right away so that younger Harry doesn't get harmed."

"But that doesn't really change anything," Ron blurted, "We still have to kill Voldy before he makes that stupid Triwizard Trophy a portkey."

"Shut up, Ron." Harry said, trying to listen intently to Hermione.

"No," Hermione interjected, "Ron's right. But at least we can shorten this battle for you, Harry. Our next chance would be the portkey. Actually, that would be the only other possible spot in time to completely overthrow Voldemort and save any lives that were lost, namely Cedric."

A pang of pain took hold of Harry's stomach. Poor Cedric had been murdered right in front of him. There was nothing he could do during that helpless moment. Now that Hermione had brought up the portkey, Harry's adventurous side dominated any other feeling in his body. In front of him was the chance to make something better with his best friends at his side.

Moments passed again, pulling on everyone's patience. The time came soon to go into the bathroom. As usual, Hermione went first, followed by her two friends. They surrounded the sink, remembering those years ago when they had to do this exact task. Harry recalled the words he said in parseltongue to open the Chamber of Secrets.

"Here we go again." Harry said more to himself than anyone else.

Ron bursted out in song, _"Here I go again on my own."_

"Do you really have to ruin this silence?" Hermione shot a glance at Ron.

They entered one by one into the chamber, sliding down the familiar pipe and landing in a pile of bones.

Harry spoke first once everyone regained composure. "I have to say, I don't miss this part of my past. Well, it's now or never, let's go."

They walked together deeper into the chamber. A sudden burst of light emerged from what would have been the Chamber of Secrets. Instead, Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked right into an underground dance club. To the right of them stood a bright green sign that read, _Marvolo's Underground_.

"There's too many students to count," Said Harry.

Hermione sighed. She shouted, "This is madness!"

"This is not madness," Ron grunted. "This is Hogwarts!"

"Wow," Harry spoke quietly. "Just wow."

Onto the dance floor they went, making sure not to be seen by their younger selves.The music pounded loudly, the bass running through the souls of their feet. Ron was the first to succumb to the power of a rock song, jumping up into the polluted air. Hermione guessed someone had drugs nearby from the odd smell lingering in her nose.

"Welcome!" A voice boomed in the air. "This is my dance club, Marvolo's Underground."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked towards the front of the club. Tom Riddle stood on a small stage with Ginny Weasley next to him, slouching over as if she were sedated.

"-And this," Tom continued. "is my bitch, Ginny! Fifty Galleons an hour, for those who are interested."

"My sister!" Ron squealed. "She's a prostitute? How dare he-"

"Ron," Hermione interjected. "Don't interfere with the environment here. We obviously can't do anything about it."

Harry blurted, "We can save her. Do you guys have any money on you?"

"You aren't going to touch her, Harry." Ron yelled.

Hermione said, "No, Ron. He wants to save her. But you both know we can't do that. It's not Ginny we're after. It's You-Know-Who. You already saved Ginny, Harry. We just need to focus on getting out of here now that we decided to go after Voldy and the Portkey."

"True 'dat, yo." Said Ron like a rap star.

Out of nowhere, Will Smith and Cortez from Time Splitters emerged from the dancing croud. Will Smith's began to sing as he and Cortez danced.

**Will sang: **I'm the party starter. You might have a good time, but we party harder.

**Cortez: **Tell the DJ to play my shit. When it's done, baby, it's time to split.

Hermione pushed her two friends away from the scene. "It's time to leave."

"You mean it's time to split," said Ron.

Cortez approached the trio. He held onto a black suitcase and placed it on the floor.

"Open it and divide them amongst yourselves. It's almost time." Cortez spoke in a serious tone. He then walked away as if nothing happened.

Harry spoke with enthusiasm, "Let's see what it is."

"Probably a boggart," Hermione suggested.

Ron dove for the suitcase and pried it open. The trio gazed with confusion at the contents inside. Three weapons ached to be picked up and used. Hermione, being half-blood, knew the names to these weapons from action movies she'd watched during Summer vacation.

"Attention everyone!" Tom's voice boomed through the club. "It's time for our annual Basilisk hunt where I give you all a fair chance to defend yourselves against my pet before becoming his dinner or his petrify victim. Even though you are all pretty drugged right now, this is fair play. Your weaponry is being handed out right now by our head Basilisk leader, Cortez. Let the games begin!"

"What?" Ron squealed. "I can't use that! We're goners for sure."

Harry said, "Let's just use the time-turner and get the hell out of here."

"We can't. We have to make sure younger Harry doesn't die. He has to be the one to kill the Basilisk. Judging from our earlier view, Harry is as high as a kite." Hermione hated the idea of carrying a weapon.

Harry picked up a Magnum-Charger, which was a futuristic weapon with lazer-beam bullets. Hermione shot a glance at Ron before grabbing the flamethrower. There was no way in Merlin's grave she would allow Ron the privelage of handling such fire-power. Since there was no choice, Ron picked up a simple pistol.

**Random Narrator: **So the trio saught for the Basilisk. They felt pretty useless however. In fact, they felt as useless as Ron's genetalia. Actually, Ron's genetalia was as unnecessary as a six-hundred lb. woman's diet soda to go with her fast food order.

"What the hell, mate?" Ron shouted towards the sky.

Harry began to laugh. "That was good, you must admit."

**Random Narrator: **Thanks, Harry. I haven't forgotten about you three. _Cough_. They continued to run around frantically setting things on fire, shooting, and dodging attacks. Since the Basilisk was nowhere to be found, Hermione decided to order their departure. She always liked doing things her way. Deep in her heart, Hermione was a masochistic dominatrix who wanted nothing more than to be Queen for a day and spontaneously whip people or chain them naked to a wall.

Ron dropped his pistol and laughed loud enough to wake the dead. Harry followed suit and literally fell to the floor laughing. Hermione galred at the two and took out the Time-Turner. It was time to get away from the drug infested insanity once and for all.

"Alright boys," She spoke firmly. "I can't see this go on any further. We're out of here."

She wrapped the turner around Ron and Harry's heads while they continued to laugh. She spun it a few times and they were off into the darkness.

**Random Narrator: **If this seems at all a bit out of hand, I appologize . . . But I must say that Harry's scar seems to move with each year and I'm starting to wonder if it's even real.

Harry stopped laughing. "Of course it's real!"

"He's right," Ron replied. "It does move a lot."

"Oh shut up."


	7. Lose Yourself

A/N: Yeah, I have to end this. It's time to kill this infected disease I call a story. Hahaha.

I disclaim raps songs in general. I would not want to own them hahaha.

_Chapter 7: Lose Yourself_

A fog hovered eerily over the grass. Hermione, Ron, and Harry landed softly on the earth and composed themselves. In the background, _Beast and the Harlot_ played loudly. Older Harry was seen next to Cedric. They were standing in front of a small island-sized maze made of nothing more than sky-high shrubbery.

**Random Narrator: **The trio ran frantically around, keeping up with Harry in the Maze of Doom. Fleur Delacour sunk in a random area of quicksand. Cedric lept over it like a faerie, knowing years of ballet class had paid off. Harry, on the other hand, used his ultra-mega magical powers to turn the quicksand into a quicksand-which and ate his way through. The trio simply walked through the remains of a giant sandwhich to follow young Harry.

Cedric and Younger Harry caught up with one another. They exchanged dirty glares and walked side-by-side down another pathway.

Young Harry stopped in his tracks. He said, "Ahead, the trophy is there. We can both take it because we've suddenly become _bff's _forever."

"Best friends forever . . . forever?" Cedric asked with a grin.

Young Harry nodded.

They skipped down the aisle of shrubbery and reached out there hands to the trophy.

The trio tried to stay hidden as they waited for the chance to approach the portkey.

"On three we'll both take it." Young Harry said.

Cedric blurted, "What if this is really a portkey and I'm on my way to my deathbed?"

"Nah. That's too farfetched to happen in a world of magic. Let's go."

They both counted slowly.

_One . . ._

Hermione, Ron, and Harry stood up.

_Two . . ._

They readied themselves to sprint.

_Three . . ._

The trio bolted towards the trophy. Instantly, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Cedric, and Younger Harry were pulled through a black vortex. They landed in a murky and morbid graveyard. Hermione, Ron, and Harry hid behind a bush and watched the younger boy-who-lived stand up with Cedric.

"_Babalooga-gazoonga-oonga!" _Peter Pettigrew pointed his wand at Cedric Diggory and screamed a random selection of gibberish.

A purple spark flew from Peter's wand at Cedric. In an instant, Cedric transformed into a green glob and squirmed on the ground.

"It's my new invention," Said Peter. "I call it _Flubber!"_

Younger Harry cried, "Why did you do that? Now he's dead."

"He was never important to me anyways," said a dark and raspy voice.

The voice came from a giant cauldron filled with steaming hot water. A figure moved almost zombie-like out of the cauldron.

"Holy shit!" Younger Harry screamed like a girl. "You're Lord Voldemort!"

Voldemort spoke, "Yes, I am. You have just interrupted me. I was taking a bath and here you are, waltzing in to see a man without his clothes."

Yes, Voldemort was naked.

The trio snickered behind the bush.

Younger Harry looked at the green blob on the ground. The ground absorbed it like a sponge. Peter Pettigrew laughed at the sight. Voldemort merely smirked.

"Now what?" Harry asked. "You're alive, so you don't need me."

Magically, Voldemort put a black robe on.

"You're wrong, Harry." He spoke maliciously, "I need you very much. Now that I have you here, I can battle you and win."

Behind the bush, the trio waited patiently to see what would happen. They really didn't care at this point because they were so tired from their bogus journey. As if in a dream, Dumbledore appeared from a white cloud of smoke next to them.

"Ahh!" Ron squealed. He asked, "Where'd you come from?"

Dumbledore spoke very seriously. "Listen," He started. "You did a terrible thing trying to think you could fix the past in order to save the future. And Ron, you did an unforgivable act by breaking the time-turner. You now have no choice but to follow my orders."

"What is it, Headmaster?" Hermione smiled and waited for an answer. Thank Merlin their Headmaster could save them from this disgusting mess.

"Well," He continued. "Ron has to battle Voldemort and win. Wait for younger Harry to be defeated, and jump in. By defeating him here with someone other than Harry, it will undo all wrong you've done on this time-trip. Do you want to know why it works like this?"

The trio nodded in unison.

Dumbledore tried not to laugh when he spoke. "Because by having Ron beat Voldemort, you're proving something that would never happen in real life."

"Hey . . ." Ron pouted.

Dumbledore disappeared through another white puff of smoke.

Younger Harry stood up straight and readied his wand. Voldemort readied his mouth.

"Here we go," Voldemort sharply spat.

**Voldemort rapped to Kid Rock's Bawitdaba: **Volde-de-mort de mort de mort Voldy Voldy Voldy said kill Harry said got to kill Harry, Volde-de-mort de mort de mort Voldy Voldy Voldy said kill Harry said got to kill Harry . . .

_And this is for the wizards_ that have no wands yet. The bad wand-waving and misbehaving, they're all misheard, learn to cast a curse, they're soon to be my death eaters. The gory fights and the wish to cause pain. It don't even matter if you break a vein. All the werewolfs and creatures of dark, must join Voldemort if they are smart. All you bastards in the ministry, can fly their brooms into a tree. For the power levels are not fair. I'm going to strip them till you're bare. No way can you beat my curse of death, I keep on fighting til the last breath. And for my followers of today and forever, Voldemort's back - remember, Never say never!

_Volde-de-mort de mort de mort Voldy Voldy Voldy said kill Harry said got to kill Harry_

Younger Harry fell over, passed out from the goodness of Voldemort's rapping skills.

Ron stood up from behind the bush. The trio ran to Voldemort and stood proudly, ready to fight.

"What the hell?" Voldemort blurted. "What is this crap-on-a-stick?"

"I'm going to battle you." Ron said with confidence.

Ron suddenly had a grey hoodie on and baggy jeans. He pulled the hood up and covered his hair. With arms crossed, Ron was ready to show the world that he was useful for something: Red-headed white-boy rap.

**After taking a deep breath, Ron began to rap. Hermione and Harry provided beats behind him. **Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to show everyone you ever met-one last spell- would you conjure it or let your wand slip?

My palms are sweaty, wands broke, hair's all greasy. There's vomit from the slugs already, no remedy. I'm nervous, but I won't let down my poor family.

I cast spells, but I keep on forgettin' what I came for, the same war as before. I open the car door, Dad's little Chevy whore. He's angry, everyone is mad at me. The time's come to be free, free!

Snap back to reality, oh there goes Ron Weasley, oh he's just a measley bloke. He's so dumb but he won't give up that easy, no. he's not Neville, that joke of a wizard, you know. It's a crime to be slow, back to the Ron show, I'm so brave and I know when it's back to my lousy home, that's when it's . . .

Back to discarding of gnomes, yeah this whole thing had better been for a good reason and hope it don't fire back.

_You better lose yourself in the magic, the spell-cast, you own it, you'll never let that wand go. you only get one shot, don't miss your chance to rule, this opportunity don't come in Hogwarts School._

The music stopped. Hermione and Harry were shocked.

"That was the worst rap I've ever heard," Voldemort said.

And then he keeled over from the suckiness of the rap.

A silence broke into the atmosphere. Peter Pettigrew glanced around in a panic. He darted away before anyone remembered his presence.

"This means we can go home, right?" Hermione asked to the clouds. She half-expected Dumbledore to answer her from nowhere logical.

A blue void next to a tilted gravestone appeared. Hermione smiled. Her, Harry, and Ron held hands and stepped through the void. A threatening wind surrounded them and caused them to lose hearing. A flash of bright neon green also surrounded them, and blinded them.

The travel seemed longer than normal, but the trio soon fell in front of Dumbledore's office.

"Was that it?" Ron asked.

They could hear and see once more.

Hermione said, "I guess so."

"That was it." Said Albus Dumbledore, who stepped out of his office. "You are home again. Miss Granger, may I please have that time-turner so i can fix it?"

She handed it over without complaint. Hermione had enough trouble for one day.

"Headmaster," Ron called. "Why did I have to rap again?"

"You had to rap, Ronald," Dumbledore replied. "because I wanted to hear you make an idiot of yourself. you don't really think singing could save you from the time-disaster you buried yourselves in. I wanted you all to learn a valuable lesson."

Harry blurted, "I learned somethimg. Never to mess with time."

"Yes," Albus nodded.

Hermione spoke next. "I learned that if I must use the time-turner, only use it when in dire need."

A big grin formed on Albus' aging face.

Finally, Ron answered. "I learned something valuable too. Never give Snape a corset."

**Random Narrator: And so . . . the trio laughed their way from Dumbledore's office to the Gryffindor Tower. Their journey was a crazy one, but it was pretty damned fun. Hermione learned to be more careful, Harry learned to stay away from trouble, and Ron leanred to stay in touch with his feminine side. All was good in tha' hood.**

"What the bloody hell?" Ron yelled. "The Narrator is still here!"

"I don't hear anything." Said Harry.

Hermione added, "Me either."

Ron grunted.

**Random Narrator: As I said, the trio was happy that they were home. And oh what a home it was.**

"What does that even mean?" Ron yelled at the ceiling.

**Random Narrator: The end. . . **_**dumbass.**_


End file.
